home stretch

yesterday marked the end of this round of Best Body Bootcamp, and the beginning of a homeward bound week!  and the day before that, little Chloe G made her debut - so excited to meet her and so incredibly proud of her beast of a mama!

physically, I finished feeling strong, though I do feel a few holiday pounds creeping in.  I'm hoping to repeat a handful of the workouts and get out in the temperate California weather for some runs, which'll also help knock out the stress that piggybacks onto our hectic visit itinerary.  there's literally an annual spreadsheet of who we'll get to visit at what time on what day.  I hate feeling like everyone is an appointment, and that just as we settle into a conversation, it's time to head out again.

in reflection, this Bootcamp experience really cemented a few things for me:

• going 72 hours or more without exercise makes me cranky.  I love rest days.  I love second rest days.  but on day three, I'm super bitchy and almost irrational.  my brain needs muscle movement.
• when I feel focused on health, I eat better.  obvious, right?!  if I've worked out on a given day, I eat clean.  if it's a rest day, I give myself some leeway.   if it's day three, I'm eating all the Doritos.  
• I need/want/crave/love structure.  having workouts laid out for me is so helpful, though I think having a workout buddy would help keep me accountable and push my muscles harder.  I also really like mixing up the workouts to create my own lil circuits. 

I'm really looking forward to starting a fresh year and getting myself back on track after a crazy holiday season.

progress

2012 has been a crazy year...and it's gone by crazy fast.  I've been reflecting a lot on what I've accomplished, and have found a consistent theme within the way I think about my actions: I judge myself pretty harshly.  we're all our own worst critic, right?

my focus of the last ten months has been to really soul search and figure out what sort of career I want, rather that what I've fallen into in the past.  To sum it up quickly, this process is much easier said than done.  I've started out in a hundred different directions in as many different fields, and haven't yet found "the one".  because "the one" doesn't exist, I'm learning.  there are many types of careers and fields and jobs that will hold my interest over time, and I'm trying so hard now to remember that I don't have to focus on just one to be stuck with for the rest of forever.

along this (oh-so-fun) path of closely looking at myself, I'm discovering that I have an extremely skewed view of the term "progress".  I've been defining progress as a totally obvious step toward employment.  I've failed to realize that talking to real live people can get me tens of thousands of times further than trying to sort it out inside my noggin.  These conversations needn't be structured or intentional or even actively job-focused, but they do need to happen.

I tell ya, I've woken up in a panic more times than I can count, thinking "I just need to get any job so that I'm doing something and making money", before popping on Craigslist or Indeed to see what might have been posted in the last 24 hours.  I've been spending the bulk of my efforts searching for my job within the confines of the internet, and am finally learning that the internet doesn't talk back.  It doesn't shoot the shit.  It doesn't have a couple beers and go "hey, here's an idea you may not have thought of..." and rattle off something awesome, developing into a bigger idea that propels itself.  it just doesn't.  and I can't expect it to.  I've spent the last week changing my view of what I can/should deem as progress toward my goal of finding a career I'll love for a while, and its no easy feat.

It's funny - I can spot/feel physical progress so easily.  a hard workout literally leaves me feeling restored.  the soreness from those tiny muscle tears indicate literal growth.  huffing and puffing a little bit less on a run is like a pat on the back.  squishing a couple extra burpees into Tina's tabata circuit is an action that I can see and feel.  none of these progress indicators are gigantic.  I've been trying to take those small, incremental visuals of progress and apply them to my soul searching.  It's hard to give myself credit for sending off an email asking to pick someone's brain on a topic I'm unfamiliar with but interested in, because I can't see or feel it and because I don't instinctively know that it's making me stronger, like exercise so clearly does.

this post is rambly and disjointed and probably quite confusing.  I'll try to sum up my feelings in a few words to myself: progress is actually those tiny, nondescript, unconnected moments in which things line up to become something great.  I just really need to have faith that things are aligning, and that I'm actively setting myself up to succeed.  I should rely on other people a bit more, and develop better vocabulary around what I want in a career, so others can help me where the world wide web and my taxed/overworky brain cannot.

  

on finding motivation (again.)

I totally hit a wall with my workouts over the last few weeks.  I do this a lot - I'll go hard core for three or four weeks, then get lazy.  its not even a matter of boredom, since there's a ton of variety in the bootcamp setup, and I love the classes offered at our gym.  I could blame the Thanksgiving holiday: rich food, time spent running around to pick up groceries, cold temperatures driving me indoors and toward comfort foods.  but I can be honest: it's just laziness.

more optimistically, we've started a semi-tradition of running a turkey trot on Thanksgiving morning, if for no other reason than to burn 300ish calories to later replenish tenfold.  last year, it was a 10k in San Jose.  this year, we couldn't find a 10k in the city (and don't have a car to drive to the 'burbs), so we settled for a 5k located just down the street.  after a crap night of sleep on Wednesday, I somehow managed to pull myself from our warm bed and motivate Rob to get moving.  we were beyond lucky with the weather: it was near 60* and sunny.  despite dodging hoards of fellow "runners" (side note: if you're gonna walk, MOVE TO THE SIDE.) and stopping for the rock in Rob's shoe, we managed a 10:03/mile.  I'll take it.

getting motivated to head to the gym yesterday was tougher, given that we'd have to bear temperatures in the low-30s and have a really comfy couch.  bootcamp's current phase of workouts has a push/pull/full body layout, and I'm not loving it.  it's not bad, I'm just not pumped about it like the other workouts.  and I'm lazy.  so instead of ignoring a workout altogether, I dug back a few weeks and redid one of the workouts I really liked.  since I'd left notes for myself, I was able to track strength and form improvement.  seeing strength gain was refreshing and helped me feel motivated again!  today, I mapped out my workout plan for the week and treated myself to a $9 (!!!) Old Navy workout top thanks to a cyberMonday presale.

control

its no surprise that I'm a type-A personality.  my spreadsheets have spreadsheets.  I'm never further than arm's reach from a list.  I plan ahead, often sometimes to a fault.

not having a job isn't easy.  sounds so dumb, right?!  it's actually pretty tough to spend days soul-searching (and continuing with it when you unearth things you don't love about yourself), researching job/field options, staying motivated, and fighting every urge to stick my head in the sand by taking any ol' job.  (cue violins, right?!)  it's becoming apparent that grad school maaaaay be in my future, as resistant as I am to admit it.  I love school.  I love learning.  I love x100 school supplies and figuring out my own organizing systems and meeting like-minded people.  I don't love the idea of student loans or locking myself into something pretty major for two or three years, only to hope I like what's waiting for me on the other end.  my inner control freak is not pleased.

as part of my soul-searching, I've been examining how I react to stress and thinking about what I should do instead.  Although I'm usually a grazer, I'm definitely an emotional/stress-induced eater.  if I'm at home and feeling tense, I head to the kitchen for a pick-me-up.  when I feel unprepared or unsure, I tend to shop in hopes of gathering things that'll help me prepare for 'just about anything'.  when I just wanna scream, I feel better if I can take some time to craft/create something.  when I feel like I'm not accomplishing, the procedures of baking/cooking help me settle down.  cute, huh?

a few of those need modifications.  the crafting and baking/cooking can stay, for a variety of reasons.  the emotional eating needs some attention, and the shopping's (obviously) gotta go.

its funny when something obvious finally stands out to you.  sports/athletics and being active/working out have always been a part of my life (thanks, Mom & Dad!), yet I don't often find myself saying "I'm stressed, so I'm going for a run".  I don't use exercise as a reactive stress-relief, instead opting to exercise as a potential preventative measure.  silly billy.

I've been LOVING this Best Body Bootcamp.  its pushing me physically, gives me a schedule of sorts, connects me to others like me, and holds me accountable.

over the last week or so, I've started to feel whelmed by all. the. things.  (supposedly) planning a wedding.  figuring out what I want in a career.  staying connected to family and friends throughout the country.  fitting my workouts in (again, sounds so dumb, right?!  fitting in a workout to a totally malleable schedule?  must be rough).

so this morning, rather than lace up my sneakers to log my time at the gym first thing, I'm trying something different: sitting in a coffee shop with my thoughts and stress triggers (yes, even the funemployed feel stress.) with the intention of working out as a release this afternoon.  let's see how this goes...

walkin' the plank (yeah, I said that...)

know what looks simple enough but'll kick your ass so much harder than you could possibly realize?

a plank.  
to be specific, a 45-second plank followed by a 15-second "rest" plank on your knees.  repeated five times.  FIVE.

planks after a tough shoulder workout the previous day?  DEAD.

tomorrow marks phase two of the Best Body Bootcamp, and planks are not on the workout plan.  yet apparently I like pain, since my core, while sore and shredded, feels much stronger, which I can feel in other areas of my body as well.  and with scoliosis, I need all the core strength I can muster, so I'll now be incorporating them into my weekly routine as one of my extra goals.  

so there's that.

sore Sunday

on Monday, I started an 8-week bootcamp style workout regime and it's kicking. my. ass.

I've fallen off a bit lately and when I did at-home workouts, I probably wasn't pushing myself enough.  the cooler weather's got me craving comforting (read: fatty) foods.  it gets dark earlier.  all these things add up to less motivation.  so when I learned about Better Body Bootcamp via another blog, I was intrigued.  and when I read that it was a whopping $25 and it was stuff I could do at home with minimal equipment, any remaining excuses were invalid.  I signed up, ordered some weights, and got ready to get moving.

I thought I was in pretty good shape.   this week taught me otherwise.  in that 'get off your ass and get back to where you thought you already were, then surpass it' kind of way.

so what am I doing?  the general structure is three days of full-body weights + interval training, and two or three days of cardio + planks.  and it's kicking my ass so far.  there's an included aspect of accountability that I've been in search of, too: a facebook page on which fellow bootcampers keep each other motivated and muster up a little friendly competitions, a weekly check in with trainer Tina, and some really cool drawings.

what I'm really liking about this plan so far is that success isn't based on a number or the mirror's reflection.  it's based on strength and fitness and feeling good, which is infinitely more important.  I'm looking forward to feeling strong and healthy instead of slothlike and guilty as we get into the holidays and cold weather.  I'm noticing that I'm craving veggies like whoa, which is probably a good thing.  today's a rest day, so you best believe that I'm taking full advantage.

engaged!

on the afternoon of Friday, July 27th, 2012, Rob successfully outplanned a planner and pulled off the greatest surprise of all time.

grab a drink and find somewhere comfy to settle in, this story's kind of a long one...

the decision:
about two weeks prior, I'd been on the phone with a dear friend explaining the big reason we sadly wouldn't be able to attend her best friend from college's wedding: flights were too expensive.  it was shaping up to be about $600 each, and we were trying to be responsible and save that cash for a longer, more intentional trip later in the year.  all parties involved were pretty bummed about it.  I literally hung up the call with her, and Rob's phone rang...on the other end was his Dad, asking if we planned to use a Southwest voucher he'd sent us via email a couple months back.  the Fox boys fly often, so we'd assumed it'd been used when he'd gone to LA or when Rob's bro Brian had come to visit us in Chicago.  apparently it was still up for grabs, and would expire soon.  a sign that we should be Cali-bound?!  yup.

from what I'm told, the gears started turnin', and Rob decided that California was a more appropriate place than Chicago for a proposal: we're new to the Windy City and don't have much sentimental connection there just yet, California would allow things to be more predictable, and Rob realized that we'd be able to share the news with many more loved ones in person if we took the plunge 'at home'.

*****

the ring:
I've dealt with a lot of friends getting hitched.  I've planned a handful of bachelorette parties.  I've even been a part of a proposal.  I've attended countless weddings.  however, its no surprise to anyone to learn that we were a bit gun-shy about marriage, although we both knew we were in it for the long haul.  we've both dealt with divorces in our families, and with our jetsetter mindset and Rob's MBA program, we'd never really been settled enough to even consider it.  with that, I can truthfully say that I never really gave much thought to what I wanted in an engagement ring.  call me a liar if you want to, I just knew I wanted something different and that it should be cushion cut, the sparkliest of them all.  so when Rob called up Summer, expecting that she'd simply send him a link and a size, she ... um ... came up short.  (insert panic gif here)  she did some sly digging at me, and he secretly traced my longtime right-hand ring while I was sleeping.  in hindsight, there was exactly one instance when I was gchatting with each of them when I was on sudden radio silence, but otherwise, I was totally in the dark.

Rob visited an area of Chicago called Jeweler's Row, and just wasn't feelin' it.  it seemed a bit smarmy and he wasn't interested in the hassle...so off to the diamond masters at Tiffany he wandered.  on his first of three visits, he kept his earbuds in his ears and just wandered, hoping not to be bothered.  one of the employees approached him and asked "excuse me, do you go to Thunderbird?" thanks to a clue from the polo he'd been wearing.  they got to chatting, and Rob learned that her name was Melanie and that her boyfriend is currently working toward his MBA and is part of one of the same rotational programs that Rob applied for a couple years back.  meant to be?  methinks yes.  Rob told Melanie what he knew I'd want in a ring: a cushion cut aquamarine.  she kindly explained that aquamarines are very soft and don't make for good center stones unless they're surrounded with sturdier metal/stones.  he knew I wouldn't love a SuperBowl-lookin' ring, and ixnayed the aquamarine on the spot.  they looked briefly at a couple of options.  there was no pressure from Melanie, and she gave Rob her card to get back in touch if/when he decided that he'd like her help.

when he decided everything was a 'go', he headed back to the store only to discover that Melanie was off that day (naturally, right?!).  instead, he worked with one of the managers, Krissy.  as I understand it, choosing the band was a cake walk, but he spent over an hour deciding between three different diamonds, all within .01-carat of one another, even enlisting the similarly small hands of a different Tiffany employee as a size guide.  thorough.  and typical of my man.  once he'd finally decided on my rock, he had another hoop to jump through: getting the ring sized.  which typically takes 10-14 days and is only done by the New York store.  no exceptions.  it was Monday.  we were due to leave for California on Thursday morning, which is obviously significantly fewer than 10-14 days.  because she's so rad and liked Rob a lot, Krissy pulled some major strings and managed to get a 2-day sizing turnaround.

those two days passed, and it was Wednesday.  Krissy, Melanie and Rob had been in touch via email about when my ring would be back in store for pick up.  with the best of intentions, Rob let them know that he'd probably arrive around 4:30p or 5p.  in typical fashion when you've got a deadline, something came up at work and he received a call from Krissy at 5:55p, saying she hoped she wasn't pressuring him, that everything was okay, and asking if he was on his way or if he'd head in before Thursday's flight.  since we were due to fly at 8:20a, Thursday wasn't an option!  he slammed his laptop shut and hauled ass across town while they (graciously) kept the store open for him.  he arrived as security guards were procedurally escorting employees out of the store for the night - ack!  once he had the ring safely in his possession, he managed to get home and unbeknownst to me, pack it in his suitcase among some of my things.  trickster.

*****

the proposal:
there's a beautiful rose garden in San Jose where Rob and I used to often meet for lunch on workdays.  we'd have a euro-style picnic: snag a couple hunks o' bread and cheese and some deli meat, a bag of pistachios and something salad-y.  when he suggested we fit a Rose Garden picnic into our 'free' time on Friday afternoon, I thought nothing of it because it wasn't at all unusual.

after a morning run and a (much-needed) visit to the chiropractor, we stopped at a little Italian deli near the Rose Garden for the requisite sammies and snacks.  when we arrived at the Garden, we giggled at the quincinera photoshoot and headed to 'our' bench...only to find someone else's stuff on it.  again, this was not at all unusual, and I suggested we sit elsewhere to eat.  after finding a different bench in the shade, Rob claimed that he needed to use the restroom and took off in the direction of our bench, only to reappear seconds later saying "some crazy lady is moving the stuff off of our bench...come on!!!".  after he was happily settled in the right place, we ate and chatted as usual.

its very common for us that one will say "close your eyes and put out your hands" for a little surprise.  we've done this forever...and usually its something silly like the CDs we've borrowed from the library to burn and return, or a little piece of candy, or a goofy little trinket.  so when Rob asked me to assume the position for the first of two surprises, I thought nothing of it (again) and was presented with two little caramels.  I was then told to close my eyes and put out my hands for the second surprise, so I did...

I heard rummaging, and Rob asked a couple times, "are your eyes closed?", which sent me into a mini-rant on how I can't understand why people would want to ruin their own surprises and how people that hunt for hidden Christmas gifts in the house boggle my mind and yaddayaaadaayadda.  I went so far as to lift up my sunglasses to show him that my eyes were, in fact, closed.  neener neener.

my hands were out, my eyes were closed, and nothing was happening...or so I thought.  when Rob (finalllly!) told me to open my eyes, there he was on one knee with the most gorgeous and perfect ring I've ever seen.  the first words out of my mouth?!  "oh. shit."  all class, all the time over here.  after a few nice words, I got to reply "of course" and hug my new fiance!

after squeezing him like crazy, Rob wiggled out of the hug and stepped to the side a bit so I could see that we'd had two photographers capture the entire thing!  he'd been in cahoots with Summer and (her new fiance!) Chambers to have the entire proposal documented.  their disguises were so good that I literally didn't recognize them for about 10 seconds.  there was much hollering and hugging.  to celebrate, Chummers had picked up mini bottles of wine and some of our favorite Psycho Donuts.  and the self-proclaimed 'uncraftiest of them all' Sum made the cutest little banner to commemorate the event.  absolute perfection.

gardeners extraodinaire (is it any surprise I didn't recognize them?!?!  really?!)

despite their best efforts, there was not a drop of miniature champagne to be found in all of San Jose...so we 'settled' for moscato.  I think it's better that way.

clockwise: key lime pie (my fave), passionfruit (Sum's fave), kooky monster (Rob's fave), custard-filled something (covered in Oreos, so Rob's fave), Spiderman, Elvis (Chambers' fave; bacon + pb + banana + jelly)

*****

hindsight is 20/20:
- the bags on our bench when we arrived were theirs, and I definitely should have recognized one of them!
- the night before, when we were talking with Summer and Chambers about their upcoming wedding, Chambers got a goofy ass look on his face when I said 'if we ever get married...'
- when I was getting ready for the day, I whined that my hair was out of control and pulled it back into a French braid.  I randomly asked "does this hairstyle look dumb?  I feel like I should be riding a horse or something".  these boys  are sweet, but usually the opposite of helpful in style situations.  both immediately replied: "um, it is a little...equestrian looking...??"
- while I was sitting on the bench with my eyes closed and hands out, ranting about snoopy people, I pulled up my sunglasses to show Rob that my eyes were closed.  his quick reply of "put your sunglasses down" was a nice way of expressing that "we don't want pics of you looking dumb"
- the aforementioned gchat radio silence + random email from Summer were  for info harvesting purposes 
- the Friday before Summer and Greg got engaged, I publicly posted a subliminal message subtly referencing the rad Sunday that was ahead.  Sum told me that, at the time, she was pisssssssed at my gif choice, but it all made sense after she got engaged.  so what did she do?!  mimicked me, hardcore.  except hers was under the guise of just being excited that we'd be home for a Friday Fat Night, so I thought nothing of it.  I really shoulda known...but I'm glad I didn't.

*****

other:
with all the excitement surrounding getting engaged and sharing the news, things still haven't really sunk in yet.  it might be in part because we've spent approximately 22 total hours together as fiance and fiancee (the spelling.  why?!?), but we're really excited to celebrate together this weekend.  

my ring was a little snug (left hand = fat hand), so we sent her off for resizing yesterday (sniffle)...but again, Krissy is working magic and I should have it back on Saturday :]

I am over-the-moon pumped to marry the coolest guy I know.  he constantly surprises me, but I don't think this one can be topped.  I'm so unbelievably lucky and happy and grateful.  we don't know much yet, just that it won't be your average wedding, it likely won't be in the US, and that we're looking forward to making the whole thing very 'us'.  yay!!!