progress

2012 has been a crazy year...and it's gone by crazy fast.  I've been reflecting a lot on what I've accomplished, and have found a consistent theme within the way I think about my actions: I judge myself pretty harshly.  we're all our own worst critic, right?

my focus of the last ten months has been to really soul search and figure out what sort of career I want, rather that what I've fallen into in the past.  To sum it up quickly, this process is much easier said than done.  I've started out in a hundred different directions in as many different fields, and haven't yet found "the one".  because "the one" doesn't exist, I'm learning.  there are many types of careers and fields and jobs that will hold my interest over time, and I'm trying so hard now to remember that I don't have to focus on just one to be stuck with for the rest of forever.

along this (oh-so-fun) path of closely looking at myself, I'm discovering that I have an extremely skewed view of the term "progress".  I've been defining progress as a totally obvious step toward employment.  I've failed to realize that talking to real live people can get me tens of thousands of times further than trying to sort it out inside my noggin.  These conversations needn't be structured or intentional or even actively job-focused, but they do need to happen.

I tell ya, I've woken up in a panic more times than I can count, thinking "I just need to get any job so that I'm doing something and making money", before popping on Craigslist or Indeed to see what might have been posted in the last 24 hours.  I've been spending the bulk of my efforts searching for my job within the confines of the internet, and am finally learning that the internet doesn't talk back.  It doesn't shoot the shit.  It doesn't have a couple beers and go "hey, here's an idea you may not have thought of..." and rattle off something awesome, developing into a bigger idea that propels itself.  it just doesn't.  and I can't expect it to.  I've spent the last week changing my view of what I can/should deem as progress toward my goal of finding a career I'll love for a while, and its no easy feat.

It's funny - I can spot/feel physical progress so easily.  a hard workout literally leaves me feeling restored.  the soreness from those tiny muscle tears indicate literal growth.  huffing and puffing a little bit less on a run is like a pat on the back.  squishing a couple extra burpees into Tina's tabata circuit is an action that I can see and feel.  none of these progress indicators are gigantic.  I've been trying to take those small, incremental visuals of progress and apply them to my soul searching.  It's hard to give myself credit for sending off an email asking to pick someone's brain on a topic I'm unfamiliar with but interested in, because I can't see or feel it and because I don't instinctively know that it's making me stronger, like exercise so clearly does.

this post is rambly and disjointed and probably quite confusing.  I'll try to sum up my feelings in a few words to myself: progress is actually those tiny, nondescript, unconnected moments in which things line up to become something great.  I just really need to have faith that things are aligning, and that I'm actively setting myself up to succeed.  I should rely on other people a bit more, and develop better vocabulary around what I want in a career, so others can help me where the world wide web and my taxed/overworky brain cannot.